Introduction

If we start from the fact that every act committed by a human being, whether physical, emotional or mental, constitutes an attempt to preserve or improve the quality or duration of his or her life, it happens most of the time that the achievement of this major objective leads to violence which causes harm to others and to ourselves. In a world that is increasingly insensitive to the needs of others and where self-well-being is dominant, it is more than urgent to make use of NVC for more harmonious and connected relationships.

Initiated by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, NVC is a process based essentially on the heart language and respect for oneself and others. Regarding the fact that enriching our existence is the deepest motivation for human beings in their actions, NVC enables us to connect with others beyond judgements, criticisms and reproaches. It helps us to identify each other’s needs, to find a way of resolving them and, above all, to encourage cooperation rather than a language based on fear, guilt or constraint.

Definition of NVC

NVC is a set of tools designed to help people establish caring relationships with themselves and with others. Far from being a way of expressing oneself, NVC is rather an attitude, or even a set of guides, that can facilitate the expression of kindness, generosity and a feeling of communion with oneself and others. To achieve this, each individual in the communication must strive to answer two major questions: “How do I feel?” (How do you feel?) and “What can I do now to improve my well-being?” (Your well-being).

However, it is not necessary for everyone involved to be trained in the use of NVC. A single trained person is enough to guide the conversation in order to answer the fundamental questions mentioned above.

What to share, what to listen to

To the question “How do I feel?” (How do you feel?), we can answer using four elements of information:

– The event or events that triggered the desire to communicate. This requires observation; 

– Emotions, which suggest an awareness of our feelings. The aim here is to determine the state in which we or others are;

– Personal needs, closely linked to emotions. These may include the need for security, information, support, etc.

– Desired actions, which suggest determining the specific actions that each party wishes to accomplish, or would like the other party to accomplish.

In addition to this approach, which highlights what needs to be shared and what needs to be listened to, the way in which we talk and listen to ourselves and the other person is essential.

How to share and listen

Communication can sometimes end in frustration, even though the four elements of information (trigger event, emotions, needs, and desired actions) have been determined. At this point, it’s time to review the way we communicate. NVC, therefore, recommends three things:

– Describe the facts without blaming anyone or moralizing. 

– Define feelings and needs, by avoiding blame or defensive attitudes.

– Ask for the actions wanted, without threatening, or making use of guilt or manipulation.

Conclusion

 Far from avoiding the whole conflict, NVC gives us the tools to deal with it more effectively, because conflicts are part of our lives. In today’s increasingly complex, demanding, and violent environment, NVC is more relevant than ever. Far from turning people who practice it into “weak” people, it gives them the ability to rediscover their natural kindness and create relationships based on authenticity and respect.